Page 3 - Still Spinning

 

            There are things about the accident that I could not have known until I was told later… For example, when I flipped I came to rest against a tree. I also didn't know how badly I had cut my scalp. So many things the mind/brain protects us against, pain, tumbling, sounds, smells, blood, fear in general… It comes back in bits and fragments and in the time it takes to process what we know, we have to choose sadness or courage in our journey forward.

After my bold statement to my sister which I thoroughly meant, the next few days were a mixture of total clarity and drug-induced fog or dare I say sleep. One does not sleep in the trauma unit. One is kept alive therefore monitored with vigilance. I'm at a point right now where I realize I have not slept normally since that day.…… That clarity I speak of had me fully aware of the sensation of being intubated, that tube down my throat into my lungs, not pleasant. My lungs were full of fluids and when I tried to pull air in and push it out, I was as often choking on mucus of sorts. To add to that I was also biting the tube in a clench response to the stress of trying to breathe. There was also the feeding tube that went up my nose which would prove to cause problems in my sinuses later on. But I was constantly being told to stop biting because it was inhibiting my breathing, easier said than done. The huge neck brace I was wearing was not exactly helping matters either. All of this culminated to form one particularly bad moment…

I had no way to call on a nurse if I needed one. Everything was up to the monitors in my room that showed heart rate and oxygen saturation levels in my blood. Otherwise unless someone walked by my room and I caught their eye, I was at the mercy of those alerts. So when one day I became so overwhelmed with fluid in my mouth and could not breathe and the panic set in as I waited for someone to walk by… No alarms went off, no breath came in so I began to flail and move as much as I could which meant mostly my head and neck, until someone finally noticed my distress… A nurse came in and immediately suctioned the fluids out and warned me against moving my head so much. Disaster averted but the next phase was being told by one very kind and protective respiratory therapist that if I could not breathe through intubation I would have to be put on a respirator and that would mean I might be able to get back off easily or ever. A ventilator would be breathing for me and it was a scary idea in everyone's mind that I could not do that myself. For me, all I wanted to do was breathe, no matter the consequences down the road…

Page 2 - On the Ground

            Inside the vehicle there was only darkness, there was no awareness of being upside down… No body awareness at all. I just knew I couldn't see and I thought it was night. The sound of that cutting tool was very distant compared to what it should have been. But I only know that now, then, I was in a state of self preservation. A dark cocoon that only allowed positive sounds… That is until I realized I was being put on a backboard and I felt the neck brace being put around my neck. In that moment I heard/felt something inside my neck, like gravel. That's the only way I can describe it and it was very brief but that's when I knew. It was further solidified in my mind when I was told I would be put in the ambulance until the helicopter came to get me. I was asked if I understood and I did, about the helicopter coming…

In the ambulance I realized that I felt as if my knees were still up, as if they were in the sitting position and I knew they were flat on the gurney at this point. The whole picture was beginning to coalesce in my mind. This has to be paralysis. I vaguely recall being transferred into the helicopter and I have only a tiny snippet of memory… Being asked by the doctor if I wanted my sister to come in before surgery, being told I would probably get emotional and I had to be very careful not try to move my neck. I opted not to have her come in. I was probably protecting both of us at that point.

Last night for some reason "45° angle" came into my mind, and it makes me wonder… But I digress… I know partly because I was told but mostly because I very clearly remember the tubes up my nose and down my throat, being intubated. I have always had to clear recollection of seeing my sister's face apparently after coming out of anesthesia from surgery… I said to her "I'm gonna get the fuck out of here"

09/30/10 Day One - The Worst Day

 

            On an otherwise normal day life can take an unexpected and some might even say grossly tragic turn. Actually I can't think of anyone who wouldn't say that it was grossly tragic, in my case. Certain details of the morning are as vivid as photographs. I know exactly what I was wearing right down to the jewelry and I even remember looking in the mirror before I left and being satisfied that it was the right outfit to go from traveling right into dinner somewhere in New York City. There really wasn't anything out of place that day. I'd done the trip to the airport so many times that I had it down to the minute practically. I like getting to the airport and getting right on the plane. Maybe grab a coffee and something non-nutritional like a chocolate chip muffin, but that's it. I packed only a carry-on whenever possible to cut down on the time it takes to check a bag. Once on the plane I'd shove my red Vera Bradley Paisley print duffel bag into the overhead bin, take my seat, fish my book out of my green canvas bag and read. That was what should have happened but it didn't. I actually only made it just a few miles from my home before fate intervened.

            I've heard people say that time slows down during an accident but I can now throw in my own two cents and say that time did nothing of the sort. The road I was on is not heavily traveled but for some reason a vehicle traveling in the opposite direction decided to use the opposite lane as well. I saw it coming at me head-on and the gray matter computer in my head very quickly assessed that I had two choices… Choices 1, use the opposite lane to pass him/her… Choices 2, go off the road to my right and hope to be able to recover and get back on. The first choice seemed too risky because what if the other vehicle went back into the correct lane… We'd still have a head on… So I went off to my right. It should have ended at worst with me stuck in a ditch… Should have…

            But no, instead I found myself in a vehicle that did not want to obey my commands. Perhaps I bumped back onto the road at the wrong angle… Maybe steering locked on me… Maybe it was just that time for me… I was heading for the opposite side of the road at a very strange angle and something inside me just knew this was going to end very badly. The only thing I could do was shout "no no no no no" and then nothing. An empty gap in time followed by darkness and a voice telling me that they were going to get me out of there. It was so dark I thought it was night… I saw nothing just heard the reassuring voice and the sound of the cutting equipment… The kind they use to cut people out of vehicles. All I could say was "help me" over and over until I heard my phone ring and then I told them it was my boyfriend and to please call him back and let him know what was going on. Because I knew, I knew exactly what was happening… I knew they had to cut the seatbelt to get me out… I knew I broke my neck.