Friday, February 1, 2013

Page 2 - On the Ground

            Inside the vehicle there was only darkness, there was no awareness of being upside down… No body awareness at all. I just knew I couldn't see and I thought it was night. The sound of that cutting tool was very distant compared to what it should have been. But I only know that now, then, I was in a state of self preservation. A dark cocoon that only allowed positive sounds… That is until I realized I was being put on a backboard and I felt the neck brace being put around my neck. In that moment I heard/felt something inside my neck, like gravel. That's the only way I can describe it and it was very brief but that's when I knew. It was further solidified in my mind when I was told I would be put in the ambulance until the helicopter came to get me. I was asked if I understood and I did, about the helicopter coming…

In the ambulance I realized that I felt as if my knees were still up, as if they were in the sitting position and I knew they were flat on the gurney at this point. The whole picture was beginning to coalesce in my mind. This has to be paralysis. I vaguely recall being transferred into the helicopter and I have only a tiny snippet of memory… Being asked by the doctor if I wanted my sister to come in before surgery, being told I would probably get emotional and I had to be very careful not try to move my neck. I opted not to have her come in. I was probably protecting both of us at that point.

Last night for some reason "45° angle" came into my mind, and it makes me wonder… But I digress… I know partly because I was told but mostly because I very clearly remember the tubes up my nose and down my throat, being intubated. I have always had to clear recollection of seeing my sister's face apparently after coming out of anesthesia from surgery… I said to her "I'm gonna get the fuck out of here"

1 comment:

  1. Cherie, I look forward to each of your posts. I can't say "I know how you feel", but through this I believe we can all have a better understanding of your experience. I'm so proud of you for allowing us into your life through your words.