Friday, February 22, 2013

Page 4 - Revealing


And breathing affords us such luxuries… As do all the other benefits of having a fully functioning body. So for a bit of background into who I am and where I have come from, before and after "the worst day"… Let me introduce myself with these images…


Click on this image to enlarge to full screen

1.Pike's Peak Colorado weeks before the accident. 2.Shepherd Rehab Ctr., December 2010. 3.February 2011, my birthday at home with my best friend Elizabeth. 4.Sail Rock off St. Thomas early 2010. 5.Moving my arms in OT 2012. 6.Using standing frame for OT/PT 2012.


This will not be the last time I give you a glimpse into my reality. But I wanted to make a formal introduction and demonstrate that what you see when you look at me now, actually is not the whole story of who I am. It's part of my story. When you look at a person with a disability regardless of the "type", it's important to understand that what you see is not always the truth of that life. We all have a history and we have a future. How you respond to those around you can play a very big role in their future, even if it's only for that day. It might be a very important day… Assume that it is, and smile. My next blog page will continue where I left off, back in the trauma unit…

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Page 3 - Still Spinning


 

            There are things about the accident that I could not have known until I was told later… For example, when I flipped I came to rest against a tree. I also didn't know how badly I had cut my scalp. So many things the mind/brain protects us against, pain, tumbling, sounds, smells, blood, fear in general… It comes back in bits and fragments and in the time it takes to process what we know, we have to choose sadness or courage in our journey forward.

After my bold statement to my sister which I thoroughly meant, the next few days were a mixture of total clarity and drug-induced fog or dare I say sleep. One does not sleep in the trauma unit. One is kept alive therefore monitored with vigilance. I'm at a point right now where I realize I have not slept normally since that day.…… That clarity I speak of had me fully aware of the sensation of being intubated, that tube down my throat into my lungs, not pleasant. My lungs were full of fluids and when I tried to pull air in and push it out, I was as often choking on mucus of sorts. To add to that I was also biting the tube in a clench response to the stress of trying to breathe. There was also the feeding tube that went up my nose which would prove to cause problems in my sinuses later on. But I was constantly being told to stop biting because it was inhibiting my breathing, easier said than done. The huge neck brace I was wearing was not exactly helping matters either. All of this culminated to form one particularly bad moment…

I had no way to call on a nurse if I needed one. Everything was up to the monitors in my room that showed heart rate and oxygen saturation levels in my blood. Otherwise unless someone walked by my room and I caught their eye, I was at the mercy of those alerts. So when one day I became so overwhelmed with fluid in my mouth and could not breathe and the panic set in as I waited for someone to walk by… No alarms went off, no breath came in so I began to flail and move as much as I could which meant mostly my head and neck, until someone finally noticed my distress… A nurse came in and immediately suctioned the fluids out and warned me against moving my head so much. Disaster averted but the next phase was being told by one very kind and protective respiratory therapist that if I could not breathe through intubation I would have to be put on a respirator and that would mean I might be able to get back off easily or ever. A ventilator would be breathing for me and it was a scary idea in everyone's mind that I could not do that myself. For me, all I wanted to do was breathe, no matter the consequences down the road…

Friday, February 1, 2013

Page 2 - On the Ground




            Inside the vehicle there was only darkness, there was no awareness of being upside down… No body awareness at all. I just knew I couldn't see and I thought it was night. The sound of that cutting tool was very distant compared to what it should have been. But I only know that now, then, I was in a state of self preservation. A dark cocoon that only allowed positive sounds… That is until I realized I was being put on a backboard and I felt the neck brace being put around my neck. In that moment I heard/felt something inside my neck, like gravel. That's the only way I can describe it and it was very brief but that's when I knew. It was further solidified in my mind when I was told I would be put in the ambulance until the helicopter came to get me. I was asked if I understood and I did, about the helicopter coming…

In the ambulance I realized that I felt as if my knees were still up, as if they were in the sitting position and I knew they were flat on the gurney at this point. The whole picture was beginning to coalesce in my mind. This has to be paralysis. I vaguely recall being transferred into the helicopter and I have only a tiny snippet of memory… Being asked by the doctor if I wanted my sister to come in before surgery, being told I would probably get emotional and I had to be very careful not try to move my neck. I opted not to have her come in. I was probably protecting both of us at that point.

Last night for some reason "45° angle" came into my mind, and it makes me wonder… But I digress… I know partly because I was told but mostly because I very clearly remember the tubes up my nose and down my throat, being intubated. I have always had to clear recollection of seeing my sister's face apparently after coming out of anesthesia from surgery… I said to her "I'm gonna get the fuck out of here"